Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday, graduating high school, saying goodbye; that feeling that you get at 17 or 18- that nobody in the history of the world has ever been this close, has ever loved as fiercely or laughed as hard, or cared as much. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday - and sometimes it feels like someone else’s memory.
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There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ‘cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.
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My lack of interest in seeing you is not a strategy. I’m not playing hard to get. I don’t want to see you because I turned my life upside down for you and you walked away because for a week I was cranky. You’re untrustworthy, so I don’t want to see you. You’re self-centered, so I don’t want to see you. I am a hundred percent certain that if I let you back in my life again you will hurt me again, so I don’t want to see you. This isn’t a ploy. I’m not pouting. I don’t want you in my life.
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You make me sad. You think that a successful career’s gonna make you happy. You think you know things. You know things and nothing else matters, no one else matters. People do matter, I matter, we matter. You don’t get to toss me aside. I won’t let you.
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I am so easy to please. Let me sit in the dark with an endless amount of music and stare into space. Done.
Do you know I can’t remember the last time we kissed? Cause you never think the last time is the last time. You think there’ll be more. You think you have forever, but you don’t… I just… I just need something to happen. I need a sign that things are gonna change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope.
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